here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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