hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
