Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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