When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
