my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
