how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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