Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
