i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
