Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
