Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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