True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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