You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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