I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
