just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.