We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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