i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
