I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he puts the penis in happiness.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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