That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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