I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
