this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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