love makes seman taste better
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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