Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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