I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
