He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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