I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
