and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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