He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
