apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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