I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have aggressive nipples.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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