The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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