Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
