The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize