im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
