never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
