My friends, they love my intelligence
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm always down for nudity.
we should paint friendship bongs
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
