Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
