I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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