If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
