oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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