So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
