Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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