You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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