I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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