i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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