I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
