Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
