According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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