mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
