I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
