just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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