why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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