So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
